it's already 1:00 in the morning and i have to wake up tomorrow at 7:00 to go on a vacation i'm not particularly in the mood to go on. i'm working through a bout of depression. i'm hoping the curative effect of traveling can put me in a better mood, but i can't remember the last time i went on vacation and i was completely exhausted. it's been a long week. monday morning i was still thinking i was going to chengdu with xianglian for a week. now not only am i not going to chengdu with xianglian, but she's broken up with me as well. i've been trying to crawl out of this funk by keeping busy but every day something happens that makes me feel a little worse.

today's melodrama happened when i decided to join LXL and XL on a tour of the construction site. it was a little awkward but i welcomed the chance to see the latest progress. XL looked super cute in her construction uniform, like a little girl playing dress up, wearing an oversized jacket and a hard hat and goggles that nearly covered up her whole head. she ran up ahead, leaving LXL and i to slowly walk behind her. she was searching for some engineer to take us around, although i was fine just exploring on our own. when we finally found the guy, turns out it was her married bus buddy. just seeing how excited she was to see him, contrasting with how lukewarm she treats me on the best of days, made me want to get out of there. they were talking about some contract situation i didn't quite understand. xianglian looked at me and asked, "are you bored?" "yes, i'm bored," i replied, and told her i wanted to go check something out on my own. "do you know the way?" she asked, and asked LXL to go with me. i told them i was fine, and quickly walked off on the muddy trail. so of course i ended up getting lost, and took a big loop to get back to the exit. and wouldn't you know it, bumped into her bus buddy, who ended up not giving them a tour after all, which meant if i just stuck around a little longer, i could've still been hanging out with LXL and XL. i was sweaty from my walk and my pants were caked in mud.

when LXL and XL came back into the office an hour later, they never bothered to ask how i was doing, which made it worse. then after work i waited outside for XL, more out of habit than actually wanting to see her, even though i knew she was going out to dinner tonight. she never did show up, which is a repeat of last saturday, and i kept imagining her going out again and having a great time, while i'm left to wallow in my misery with no one to eat dinner with.

LXL got on the bus alone (so i knew she wasn't eating with XL), and i was hoping maybe i could sit next to her so i could invite her out to dinner, but she next to xiaohong.

on the bus i managed to convince myself that maybe XL was on a dinner date, being set up with some local construction guy, maybe a friend of fangdan's husband. for some reason that actually made me feel better. if that's the kind of guy she's willing to settle for, good luck with that. but who knew what she was doing.

i hate to vent on the blog, but lacking anyone local to talk to, this here is where i try to work through my feelings. i don't know what the big deal is, XL isn't treating me any differently than how she's been treating me the past few months. the only thing different is now i don't have any hope to fall back on because she's made clear her feelings. but if i could just somehow know if she really struggled with her decision, whether she genuinely liked me but because of her parents' wishes she'd never leave china, that would make me feel better. but now the lines of communication are broken, and i find myself starting to hate her, and behaving in a way that makes her beginning to dislike me if she didn't before. she has some bad qualities and we're not quite compatible, but maybe i'm just attracted to whomever i can't have, and the more she resists, the more i'm attracted, which is probably some sort of mental illness. i can't dwell in the past though. i have to convince myself that maybe the next girl who comes along with be better. at the very least a girl who likes me in a normal way!

anyway, but now it's almost 2:00. i came home, went out briefly to the supermarket to get some cookies, then returned to the apartment to do a small batch of laundry and make some rice porridge for dinner. i packed my bag (not too much, enough socks and underwear for about a week, a long-sleeved shirt, my hooded sweatshirt, and i'll wear a t-shirt tomorrow) and prepared my netbook for traveling (backing up some files and erase others to make for more storage space).

earlier at the office i downloaded the kindle version of my lonely planet china guide. because i'd already bought the physical edition, the electronic version was discounted to just US$3. that meant i didn't have to carry around that heavy guide book around anyway, everything is contained in my smartphone.