today i was depressed for a bunch of reasons. not so much homesick, more of that perennial feeling that i don't belong here in china. on the surface it looks normal, but it's just surface relationships, nothing deep, nothing longstanding. and there's nobody really here i can talk to because my problem is sort of unique. even fantasizing about going home isn't enough anymore and i'm losing interests in the things i used to love doing. i come home, i make dinner, i go to sleep. if there's one good thing that can come from this bout of depression, it's that i'm finally going to bed early for a change.

once again i took the korean bus to work. this may be the last time because i definitely feel misplaced. it's such a small group of people (about a dozen) that when a stranger joins their ranks it feels kind of awkward. "oh, you again!"

this morning wangyan was telling me about how she browsed a bunch of my recommended websites and couldn't wait to talk to me about it during lunch so she could practice her english. but then she sat down with some ladies from the procurement department, and they didn't leave a seat for me. wangyan looked embarrassed, i told her no worries, and went to go sit by myself. in a ideal world, she would've followed me, which is what i would've done. but a girl changing seats just to go sit with a guy had additional meanings, so i understand why she didn't follow. those procurement girls aren't really her friends anyway, as soon as they finish eating, they all just go, leaving wangyan to eat alone. so i sat by myself eating my noodles, feeling a little down. and guess who should sit down across from me? my archnemesis mr.guo! i don't know what game he's playing, no matter how nice he is to me now, i still remember when he and his cronies abandoned me back in november-december. nevertheless, it was still nice to eat with somebody, even if it was my frenemy. the irony!

after lunch i went outside. not for a stroll - which i already did yesterday - the mother of all strolls - but just hoping to run into xianglian if she was out as well. but all this week her department is light on staff, and she never did bother coming out. i went inside briefly, but the silence seemed deafening, and knowing xianglian was just a few cubicles away seemed unbearable that i went back outside again, sitting on the steps, getting some sun, playing with my cellphone until lunch break was over.

wangyan sent me a message apologizing for the lunch debacle and asked if i was okay. she is a very thoughtful girl who makes terrible decisions when it comes to friends. i said it was okay but told her maybe tomorrow we shouldn't plan to meet. what i meant to say was we shouldn't build up our expectation and then find ourselves sitting separately in the cafeteria again, but it came out sort of vindictive. there only just a few good people at the office and wangyan is one of them. i'll apologize to her tomorrow.

i buried myself with work. not that i had that much, but getting lost in work kept my mind from other things. i played office matchmaker for WWY, who has a secret crush on one of the korean boys. earlier i asked wangyan for his info, whether he was single (yes) and how old was he (28). she came up to my desk later in the afternoon and asked if she could have some dove chocolate. she ended up sharing them with chehong and her friend yangfan. chehong came up to me and asked for chocolates as well, and i ended up giving both of them chocolates. i also gave yangfan some chocolates too.

onboard the medium bus, i was hoping xianglian would take it as well, since she knows i always take this bus. i saw her coming out of the office by herself, like maybe she was looking for someone, and then disappeared behind some buses. on our way home i couldn't resist and texted her a message: "would you like to take a stroll after work if you're not busy? the weather today is very nice." i never heard back. now i feel stupid. but a bit angry too. why would she be mad at me? i'm the one who's mad at her!

i came home and went out for a run. i stopped by the bun shop to buy 2 tea eggs for dinner. i ate that along with a piece of xinjiang bread. i did a load of laundry then ironed some shirts. right now i'm about to go to bed before 10:00. fingers crossed i can sleep 8 hours tonight!