i didn't sleep too well last night, along with the thunderstorm ("god's bowling alley"), i had a lot on my mind, things of a personal nature. i spent the day waiting for a package i had ordered late last night. when it finally arrived in the afternoon, i wasn't surprised as to what it was, but somehow still wished it was something else. as for the rest of this story, if you'll excuse me this one time, i can't be as forthcoming in details as i usually am.

michael jackson - farewell my summer love

i went out for a run, put my t-shirt on a rock before crossing memorial drive and onto the charles river. it was hot, it was humid, but it was also raining slightly, and i was topless. i managed to run nonstop, taking only a 30 second water break by the public fountain near the bb&n boat house, re-enacting some lost scene from some gay version of playboy's wet & wild.

the first thing i did when i got home was to check e-mail. there was a message from eliza asking me if i wanted to do a run with her along the charles before she had to meet a friend for dinner at 8pm in harvard square. i immediately replied and said "yes," despite having just ran 3 miles (it's such a rarity to see eliza north of the charles river, i couldn't say no - besides, it was eliza jones). there was also a message from bruce vacationing out in the adirondacks (upper new york state), with a week long job offer to come up and do some mild housework but get my own room and board and spent time in the forest. i just might take him up on this offer, i'll call for more details tomorrow.

what's a day without errands? i went to mailbox etc. to make some copies, bringing along a pocketful of change so i could get rid of my coins.

eliza got to my house around 6:30pm, we both changed into our running clothes (my shorts were still wet from running the rain earlier) and headed out the door. eliza sported a tattered pink t-shirt worn inside out, with the sleeves rolled up and the bottom of the t-shirt precariously rising up as she ran, exposing bare midriff. i ran haphazardly, hurdling recycle bins and trashcan lids whenever i got the chance. i was surprised to see how pale she was, because i figured she'd been running as much as i have, and while i'm becoming more africanized each and every tan-tastic day (they call it a "killer" bronze), eliza's skin tone (or lack thereof) was still stuck in winter phase. but i guess if you run at nights, there isn't a lot of sun action. for the 30 minutes of sweaty running in the humid summer weather, we were able to converse between breaths, mostly juicy gossip about ourselves and others of our ilk. we briefly slowed to a walk because eliza had a cramp (confession: she had some oatmeals before arriving at my house), but soon picked up the pace again. normally i'd just walk back the 15 minutes worth of distance home, but because we were under a time pressure, and because eliza seemed like she wanted to keep on running, we actually ran back to my place, performing for the very first time a complete nonstop run from my house and back, a feat i've always wanted to do, but never had the proper motivation until now. despite being my second run of the day (6 miles baby!), i wasn't at all tired, and even wanted to sprint down my street as a final glorious display of running prowess, but didn't want to appear too "show-offy" in front of eliza.

back at the house, glasses of cold water never tasted so good. while eliza was stretching, i told her about my recent experiments with beer and wine, shocking her with my uncharacteristic recklessness when it came to alcohol consumption ("next time you're drinking alone, call me," she said). she took a shower, then got all dolled up for her dinner, even borrowing some of my "fragrance," a bottle of unisex spray i had received one christmas past. fun fact about eliza: did you know she brushes her tongue? well, neither did i! she also showed me how jacked her arms and back were from all the swimming she's been doing. i remember she used to be the thinnest girl in the office, but now she's all empowered with crimefighting muscles. she left the house with wet hair despite my many attempts to coax her into using the blowdryer ("it makes me feel hot," she said). in her haste not to be late for her appointment, she left her running shoes at my place. accident? or a clever ploy to revisit? who knows! before she left though, she threatened that if i should ever repeat any part of our lurid running conversation, that there would be some serious consequences. oh i am so scared!

for a late dinner, i had some korean ramen with an egg. after a week of really great food, especially in the last two nights when i finally cooked for a change, i was due for something very bad. ramen, you are that very bad food.

robbie williams - have you met miss jones

so i didn't tell renata how i felt about her, because she invited kay over for dinner as well last night. i went home feeling that i didn't accomplish what i set forth to accomplish. while about to write last night's weblog entry, i thought of something: i knew renata checks my weblog when ever she and i hang out, so i figured out a way to identify her through her ip address and reroute her to a different page where for one brief moment i completely spill my guts to her. it took me three hours to write the code and the eventual letter, and then still find time to write that day's regular weblog entry.

i went to bed finally, feeling that maybe i made a mistake, but then i thought how bad it'd be to continue living a lie, and went to sleep.

i didn't sleep well. besides the loud thunderstorm outside (the weather perfectly reflected the tempest that was my emotions), i was just really nervous and wanted to wake up and check to see if renata had seen my secret message to her. i got out of bed and went to the computer, my hands shaking as i woke my machine up from sleep mode and i checked my visitor's log. to my satisfaction, to my horror, i saw that she had already paid a visit to my site. so where was the phone call, where was the e-mail message? bad sign, it's very obvious. it made me think of two possibilities: 1) the code didn't work and she never saw the special message, or 2) she saw it, and was probably too mortified to write back immediately.

so the rest of the day i was in a living hell. i was nervous, like waiting for a verdict to be rendered. then at 3pm i got an e-mail. from the title, "tony", i knew she had seen my message. i felt like that day when i found out my SAT score, or the day i received my college admission letters. i opened the e-mail and quickly skimmed it, going straight to the bottom where she said she wanted to remain friends.

my heart sank.

friends. the kiss of death. i wasn't surprised, it was the decision i always expected when i ran through all the different scenarios in my head. i was disappointed however, the optimistic side of me was hoping for a yes. i sat there motionless for a few minutes.

i wrote her back, thanking her for responding, apologizing again for what happened, joking that things would be easier if i was just a robot, and signing the e-mail with, "your slightly broken hearted friend, tony".

so just like that it was over. there is no way i can remain just friends with her, and i don't see how she can hang out with me like we used to, knowing that i like her more than as just a friend. her e-mail was worded so carefully about my feelings, yet didn't offer me any hope that things can be different in the near or distant future. yesterday we were friends, today we're nothing.

i wanted to cry but no tears would come out. i had already gone through the scenario so many times in my head, it was like watching a rerun of some movie where i knew the ending already. lying on the sofa chair, it felt familiar, the feeling of getting dumped, like there's an emptiness, and it's just you versus the rest of the world, alone.

it's weird that it should feel like a break-up when in fact we never dated. but the 7 months we spent hanging out and having fun, that was real, and now that's all over.

throughout the day, shannon then frances then michael chu followed by rob house all consoled me when i told them the bad news over aim. there kind words has no bearing on my badly i feel.

it's also ironic, at the beginning of the year, renata, amy, and myself, we were all friends. actually, i was more interested in amy, whom i asked out in 8th grade but she said no as well. that experience haunted me, but to finally catch up with her 15 years later, i realized i didn't have any feelings for her, but rather all those feelings were now being diverted to renata. about a month or so ago, renata and amy had a big fight, and haven't really spoken to each other since then. and amy stopped speaking to me as well, which i think might be due to the fact that she discovered renata and i have been hanging out so much. and now that renata and i will no longer be doing anything together, it's like our formerly happy trio have been shattered. these past 7 months have been a catastrophe.

the final chapter of this greek tragedy was written today.