i really had it today. i think i've held on pretty well for the past year or so, but today i lost my grip on work. i sometimes feel it's my job to assure members of the project team that everything's going to be all right, nobody's going to die, we're all going to make it out alive. today, i didn't want that job anymore. i was experiencing a project sensory overload, hands shaking, eyes fluttering, lower lip quivering. i kept on asking myself, "who am i, and what am i doing here?" i didn't want to help anyone, didn't want to answer any questions, just give me my little morsel of code and let me peck away at it, that's when i'm at my happiest, visiting my quiet place, fetal position, rocking back and forth. i'm just sick of being the project epicenter, can't i be the edge, or maybe left or right of center? while i rest my forehead on my sorbothane wristguard. while i drink my 20 oz. machine vended ice tea that i hate because we're all out of 20 oz. teeth rotting coca-cola. while i smile and wave at the pretty clutter on my desk.

thank god for my short term memory survival skill. after a few days, just shake me out, depression be gone! and i'll be as good as new. minus the eye twitch. minus the thinning hair (from being pulled out in fustration). minus the bad skin. minus the ability to form coherent sentences.

kevin started working at srm today, making it the 100th xtsher to have worked here. he's doing part time data entry duty, we caught up a little bit this morning before he was wisked away to training. for lunch, i went with sam to the mall where we both indulged in some burger king. when i got back to the office with my bag of greasy takeout, i wasn't able to enjoy my cold whopper junior until 4pm because i suddenly fell through the unsafe wooden floors known as work. and finally, just when i started to give up on ye old venusian flytrap, i come to work and lo and behold one of the traps was eating something! upon further investigation, i discovered it closed back up on the dead fruit fly i tried feeding it last thursday. could that be true? my own theory is some other bug tried to eat the dead fly, and in the process accidently triggered the flytrap and became dinner for my plant. and i think it's actually eating this time too, the trap is tightly sealed together, like a ravioli, and it looks like something chemical and digestive is happening inside. isn't nature fun?

you couldn't have written a more perfect ending for the way my day ended: my 80gb external maxtor firewire hard drive (containing all the burn data) died after a crash and even two hours of tender loving care couldn't get that thing to boot up on the mac desktop. picture me staring off into space smiling. oh dirty filthy disgusting irony! damn that's funny! so no delivery today. postponed. just like my l-i-f-e.

with a dead drive there was nothing much more to be done today so i went home. the good weather that we had earlier during the day when i was working hard indoors was now replaced with this gloomy grey sky that threatened monday with rain. i rode the motorcycle to work this morning, which meant i'd be riding it back home. traffic was light and thankfully it didn't shower. i disrupted a little league game by my house when i rode by the baseball park on the motorcycle, angry parents glaring at me for shattering their sacred perennial t-ball ritual. i'm sorry for interrupting you yelling at your baby for not hitting that homerun or not being able to slide to second base.

the motorcycle ride calmed me down a bit, but i needed more peaceful and soothing. backyard! one of the things i will miss most when i move out is this backyard. i will have my own backyard, but nothing as big as this. ah, suburbia! say what you want, but i'd trade a bustling commercial zone anyday for a few acres of backyard! i noticed the wisteria flowers have started to bloom, eventually becoming grapelike cascades of purple blossoms.

and then for dinner, spare no expense! korean ramen. yeah, i really like to treat myself when i've had a rough day at work.