bruce and i woke up eager to partake of the second "b" in the bed & breakfast experience. everything was freshly made, muffins, coffee cake, some fruit, yogurt, juices, and coffee. the owners lit some mosquito coils to keep the bugs off of us while we enjoyed our food outside. bruce chatted with one of the owners, a woman who used to be a concert-level violinist (i think that was her instrument). after feeding, we left for herring cove beach, where i was promised plenty of lesbians. the beach starts off like any other beach, but once you walk far enough around the bend, people stop wearing clothes. the lipstick lesbians i was dreaming about turned out to be a lot of naked tanned gay men, exciting for bruce, but a little bit awkward for me. i kept my eyes on the horizon and avoided making eye contact with anyone. we walked far enough until there weren't anymore people, then found a driftwood fort to camp out under. i spent some time collecting different colored rocks, all the while avoiding the painful bites of greenhead flies. bruce slapped one in such a way that it was still relatively intact and i was able to get some good photos.

around 2pm was when we decided to drive back to boston. i was surprised how late it was, but i guess time flies when you're out on the beach with nothing to do but to admire the dunes and the ocean. we got back to cambridge close to 5pm, and i immediately got in touch with dan, who was on standby, waiting for me to come back so we could leave for the hamptons. i told him to give me a few minutes while i collected my stuff and burned some mix cd's. dan came by 30 minutes later, and we headed out. my brain was still buzzing from provincetown, and here i was on my way to the hamptons! we stopped off at a roadside rest stop to grab some dinner (i had a serving of chicken mcnuggets) and to buy some snacks for the house. i also suggested we get an issue of star magazine, which dan was sort of embarrassed to pay for. we finally made it to the house close to 11pm, with the help of the trusty gps. we were the first guests to arrive, followed by mark, brendan, and lionel. we watched about 30 minutes of that patrick swayze homoerotic classic "road house" before everyone started to fall asleep.




ah the beach! it's almost mandatory that we'd pay a visit to cupsogue beach. so after breakfast, we left in two cars, megan came with dan, john, and myself, while mark drove brendan, lionel, and andie. halfway there a police cruiser pulled mark over, who was following behind us, so we stopped as well. we watched in the rear-view mirror, wondering what was going on. dan thought maybe it was a speeding violation, but if you've seen dan drive, he adheres to the speed limit (barely). once we got to the beach parking lot ($10 admission) we finally got the whole story. the cop pulled them over because he couldn't see the license plate (it fell off, but it was visible from the rearview window, massachusetts plate). then he said they were playing their music too loud (which is ironic, because we were blaring our music as well, an offensive collection of booty singles). then he told mark to warn us that if he saw us again with our broken tail light (dan's car) he'd give us a ticket. it just seemed the police was looking for a reason to stop us, but at least nobody got a ticket (mark just got off with a warning).

the water was cold and the waves were strong; i went up to my knees then came right back, spending the rest of my time lying on my beach towel. i didn't bother putting on any sunblock; i wanted to get dark and i figured i already had a base coat so i wasn't really going to burn. i did put some on my feet when i could start feeling them sting a little bit from the sun.

one of mark's friend showed up and they decided to stay there a little bit longer while we gave andie a ride back to the house. dan was careful not to drive above the speed limit nor do anything that would give the police reason to pull us over.

the beach is fun and all, and a great place to people watch, but real swimming takes place back at the house in the pool. i took the opportunity to re-introduce my blow-up sex doll "sandy duncan." we fought each other with our inflatable toys and i floated in the pool on a water noodle.

the afternoon was just lazy and peaceful. nobody really knew what time it was. dan and i went down by the pier and watched fish swimming in the water as well as scary looking horseshoe crabs crawling on the ocean bottom. john and deanna help may and mariane with some kayaking equipment. mariane ended up kayaking out into the open waters, coming back without her hat which blew away in the wind. dan and i helped the ladies carry the boat back onshore. soon people were hungry enough that it was time for dinner (lionel returned to the city, to take care of his dog). michelle's husband is a chef so of course the responsibility of cooking rested on his shoulders, whether he wanted to or not. we had a barbecue and had some tasty homemade burgers as well as slices of steak. the amount of food was just enough that people were fighting over scraps, and vegetarians (mariane) became carnivores (at least for one night).

after dinner a bunch of people went out into the field to play some softball. i stayed back at the house chatting with mariane about our travels. suddenly there was a commotion; apparently sean (christine's boyfriend) hurt himself pitching (pulled something) and was in some pain. john and deanna ended up taking sean (and christine) to the local area hospital, leaving everyone else back at the house to make our own fun.

now in hindsight we should've all jumped into the hot tub and get all liquored up while exchanging embarassing anecdotes, but nobody knew when the hosts would return from the hospital, so we just waited around, hoping maybe it'd be soon. that didn't turn out to be the case however. mariane, may, and andie started a game of scrabbles, dan was absorbed by an abbreviated solitaire version of chinese checkers, and mark and brendan were engaged in a serious chess match. later, those of us who were still awake (mark and brendan went out clubbing) played a rousing game of non-drinking asshole. megan, who promised herself she wouldn't drink this whole weekend, was fighting temptation all night long, a few times suggesting we'd raid the liquor cabinet and do shots. finally by midnight she broke down and went to the garage and came back with a double serving of corona (i think she ended up going 6 bottles, party girl!). michelle was the big winner, staying president for most of the rounds, while i was the big loser for most of the game. at one point dan and i became president and vice president (boys rule!) but that only lasted one round.

finally, around 1am, john and deanna came back from the hospital, along with christine, and sean in an arm sling. they looked exhausted, having spent most of the night in the waiting room. a handful of us piled into the hot tub for a late evening dip, talking celebrity gossip with megan.

i was the last person to leave the tub and by then i was a walking prune. dan and i headed down to the cabin and went to sleep.

in that wooden cabin with the cool sea breeze blowing through the windows i could've slept all day, but it was our last day in the hamptons, and there was still plenty to do. i woke up around 10am, found john miller waiting outside, reading a book on the front porch. dan woke up as well and the three of us walked back to the house to get some breakfast in the form of bagels. the others were waking up as well, but it didn't take long for people to jump into the pool, where a contest to see who could "ride the [inflatable] hulk" was taking place. deanna's brother jason dropped by with some friends.

john was heading into town to pick up some hot dog buns from the supermarket, dan and i came along. we drove jason's mini, admiring the car's interior, listening to his show tunes cd. an aging woman wearing a pink poodle skirt was in the checkout line in front of us; she had no cash so she paid with her credit card, but she must've been a germophobe because she was sliding her card inside of a plastic bag, didn't care that she was holding up the line. you meet people like that in the hamptons, people who are so insulated from the rest of the world, where their riches remove them from any semblance of normalcy. we bought some slurpees from a 7-11 before heading back to the house.

a lot of people were asking for croquet so john went out and set up the playing field. while some of us were out knocking balls through wickets with our mallets, others were inside preparing lunch already, hot dogs and steamed corn. john ended up winning, while i was so far behind i was thinking about going rogue and knocking out some other players from the game. i did make one impossible shot, the croquet version of a hole-in-one, but otherwise my play was sloppy and game fodder. in between turns people would disappear back into the house to get hot dogs.

what's a hamptons weekend without a game of apples to apples? unfortunately we weren't able to play last night, but there was some time for a quick game, and even though some people already left (andie, mark, brendan, mariane, and may), there was still enough stragglers for some action. dan ended up winning when he got 6 cards; i left the game with just 2 ("filthy" and "sexy" i think). the most entertaining moment came towards the end, when jason and his friend sean through a hissy fit over who had the best cards.

dan and i finally had to tear ourselves away at 5pm, since we still had a long drive back to boston. in years past these hamptons gatherings have been on long weekends, since a normal weekend just isn't enough time to do everything. none the less, we had a great time and drove back with happy memories, already thinking about next year's outing. we stopped off somewhere in connecticut to get some dinner at mcdonalds and to get some gas for the car. dan drove all the way, and after listening to all the 80's songs on his ipod (courtesy of elias), we started playing his cd's (i left all my mixes back at the house, people were thoroughly enjoying the booty mix). a bit over 5 hours later we finally made it back to boston, to somerville, to cambridge. i was happy to see my motorcycle was still there, neither towed or smashed.

for your viewing pleasure, hamptons action from the past few years:

2001 2002 2003